Friday, May 6, 2011

Blokes, Birds, etc.

Women, they keep the world together. It's almost inconceivable to think of a world without the naivety, temperance, and conscience thought of women's influence. Obviously, this doesn't entirely include every woman, but from my experiences, they keep us intact. If I were left to my own devices, and all men the same, it seems as if the morality of world would be quite desolate. It's something subconscious that we only realize later in life as men. I remember hearing of the Oedipus complex in my psychology class. The just of the theory is that men only act like their fathers simply because they are in-love with their mothers, and the case is vice-versa for women. They act feminine in accordance for the love of their fathers. The story of Oedipus is that he eventually married his mother and subsequently became something of a weird incestuous example for the love of our mothers.

I don't believe that we act like males because we want to hook up with our mothers per say, but because we desire a woman that resembles our mothers. Look at it from the female's perspectives. We hear all too often about women with "Daddy Issues." These women usually live promiscuous lives trying to fill the void left from their father's disapproval or departure in some cases. They look for acceptance in all males which ultimately have the same tendencies as their fathers, and most of the time up-and-leave them for something better, much like their fathers did to their mothers. Alcoholism become apparent in these groups, as well as a lack of moral fiber that usually leads to teen pregnancy and becoming single mothers with multiple children followed with multiple fathers. Always looking for love. Their idea of "love" isn't exactly the type of social norm. It is not affectionate love like the type we dream of. The love they receive is that of ignorance, being that they are ignored and constantly trying to connect, with complacency in any type of affection and adoration, even if it's ill-gotten.

Ok, enough scientific thought of these type of women, let's be real. These girls are dumb. The type who think their intelligence is greater than it really is. They feel superficial "love" and are easily the ones who "puppy-dog" you. They follow just looking for that little scrap you throw their way. They affection is more of an infatuation. Always the first one to throw terms at you such as "I love you" or "you're my whole world." The type of girl who posts various statuses on their Facebooks that go along the lines of "OMG, He's so great." "I couldn't be happier!" "hanging out with boyfrannn" or the types who will start a ruckus if your relationship isn't exactly "Facebook Official." We all know who I'm referring to. The ones who have nothing even resembling tact in their actions. The type who would find your number, come up to a boy with no inkling of what type of person he is at all and throw everything out there with no shame or self-pride. I have very little patience with girls of this type. There are other men who absolutely adore this type, more of an easy-picking type of deal. I personally couldn't tolerate a women who's love is easily acquired with a small example of eloquence.

Every time I've came across a girl such as this I am easily amused at first, but then become distant. As a younger man, I would have easily settled with an easy relationship such as this. All that is really required on the man's part is to simply tell them what they want to hear, and I can see why some men would want something like this. The main reason being that they, themselves, aren't exactly in the higher echelons of intelligence as well, and they have their own problems of abandonment and become complacent with mediocre feelings and the security of someone who will be there regardless. Which is understandable. Everyone's idea of love is different and constantly changing. I know mine has through time.

Early in my experience with girls, it was something coy and typical. First real kiss in the 6th grade, awkward of course. Even though I did, in-fact, like her, my fear was too great to overcome without some coaxing on her end. I was essentially forced to kiss her. She stole something of mine, put it in her mouth, and told me I could only get it back if I "came and got it." Once again, daddy issues. I remember being awkward around girls around that time that they started to develop. One saying that is FACT: Girls do mature quicker than boys. FACT. So, fondly I remember the girls in my class, around 5th grade, starting to develop breasts. Something that was completely alien to me. "What's this?" I thought. The awkwardness of a pubescent male is completely hilarious to me, especially in reference to myself. I remember a small anecdote of myself in the 6th grade. We were receiving our social studies books for the school term. I was sitting there, the first day, looking at these girls who I had grown up with since I was 5 years old, all equipped with these new, curious, things. Staring at the girl in-front of me, thinking to myself "wow, so-so, sure did become really cute all the sudden." My heart-rate became very high, and I felt a small tingle in my pants region. Hearing the kid's name who I knew came before mine alphabetically, all I could think about was how to get rid of this inconvenience before the teacher called my name. Sadly, for me and my ego, this did not happen. "Tony Os-Os-Osar-io? Come get your book, hun." I had no choice but to respond with something quick and witty to remove the awkwardness. Hoping the pressure would dissipate my new sexual urge. This thing is uncontrollable. "Can you bring the book to me, miss? I hurt my leg and it hurts to walk." The teacher soon urged me not to be cross with her and to come up to the front and get the books just like all the other students. I wasn't near the front and I had no other choice. I squatted down, picked up my chair/desk combo, knocking down all the fresh school supplies I had just put in my desk cubby-hole. I walked with my entire desk glued to my waist, all the way to the front. Luckily, in this case, the teacher just laughed and met me half-way. The majority of the class just looked at me awkwardly and did not notice what had really been going on.

As I grew older, I quickly learned the "boner-in-the-waistband" tactic to conceal such things, or a simple sweater tied on the waist. You learn to control these things as you get older, but the awkwardness still remains quite comical to me. "Think of baseball, think of anything to get your mind off it." I would say things similar to this to myself to make sure to avoid embarrassment. All boys go through the phase of being "mean" to the girl you liked. I remember hitting a girl in the face with a dodgeball and her nose bleeding. Wow. My first experience into the female psych y would not come until around 7th grade. Some boys miss this and I feel this experience is what helped me become more adjusted as a man and let me become a seasoned-vet when it comes to conversing with girls. I had always been somewhat shy in my elementary years. Just being the smart kid who liked sports, but also had a disdain for school, and lacked what they called "punctuality." I would find out later that this was me facing depression for the first time, as a child. I genuinely hated going to school. I felt bored all the time and I did not want to be around my classmates. Making up work was easy because the work was relatively simple to me.

In 7th grade I became acquainted with girls outside my own school. This was a God-send. I had gone to a very small, private, religion-based, elementary school. I was not really the definition of cool and I liked to do my own thing and I was really just casual friends with kids in my class as well as the girls. My best friend at the time, Isaac, had been a relatively good-looking kid, as perceived by a 7th grade female. He had begun talking to a girl from another school named Maria, who also had a best friend. I had been the smart one of the bunch and as a curious young male, I asked for the immediate hook-up. Apparently, my asking was of no importance because Maria's friend Stacie, had already asked her the same. Being in the awkward stage of growth I was in, I was somewhat nervous. I was in the state of beginning to grow into my body, a little pudgy guy with low-confidence levels. This relationship with Stacie and Maria grew into a long-lasting phone conversations. Within days, I began to understand the things of which to stay, the subjects of which to talk about, witty remarks, and began to develop a sense of humor to convey. I felt as if I were a little caterpiller who was finally getting out of the cocoon and slowly, this girl began to really care for me. Of course, as much as a young girl can.

Later, more awkwardness developed. I had never actually met this girl. I had spoken to her on the phone, but not really face to face. I don't even think I knew what she looked like, just knew that she "sounded hot." A common statement between young boys like ourselves. Isaac, of course, had moved on from Maria who had "cheated" on him, or whatever, and had a nice new fling now named Ashlee. Well, weeks later, we were to meet up with Ashley and her friends, and I was to meet with Stacie for the first time. All of this was to take place at the Cleburne Skating Rink. I was pretty nervous about this. From what I recollect, I danced with her a little bit, but I could not leave my friend Isaac to deal with Ashley and her friend, so essentially, I ignored Stacie. Being the nice boy I was, I left her by herself. Ashley and her friend had ridiculed Stacie's looks, calling her a "horse-face" and I went along with the jokes. I remember seeing Ashley and thinking she was absolutely beautiful. How could she be with this idiot who could barely finish our easy math problems in class?

Stacie fell to the wayside, we remained casual friends but I became infatuated with Ashley. (No worries, I remember talking to Stacie later on in High School and she grew to be more beautiful than I could ever conceive.) Ashley and Isaac broke up, of course, and me and her became best friends. I remember spending nights up until 5 am talking to her on the phone about everything, our favorite types of music, life in general, people at school, even going as far as to singing songs together on the phone. I had learned to play guitar at the time and would even play songs for her over the phone. I was pretty smitten with that. We dated for exactly 1 day, after which I had randomly kissed some other girl, she became enraged, and subsequently broke up with me. The experience was all I needed, though. I had finally grown up socially and I was able to speak to girls without awkwardness and left school and went to Cleburne High School where I had some successful relationships, including the best one I've ever had.

I don't really feel like going into the past relationships of High School, my mistakes, my insecurities with those situations. I'll sum it up by letting you know that I had handled many of them the same way. When things got serious, when I felt the inkling of emotional connection, I left, I ran. Being a teenager is rough to conceive the idea that someone might actually love you. You began to see the dependence you can have on another person. That connection was hard for me to keep because I always felt like there was other things that were more promising, some of the times I was correct, other times, I was not. It seems like everyone likes you when you're already taken, doesn't it? I remember being single and having girls who liked me and contacted me to become more than friends, but those numbers weren't as high as when I was already dating someone else. It seems like girls at that time, and even us men, are like children. A child sees a toy, plays with it, then leaves it. Another child comes and picks it up and begins to play with it, at that time, the previous child sees how fun the toy really is, and tries to take it back. When he finally gets the toy back, he realizes that it never really as fulfilling as once thought, and usually just lays it down again. Is the grass greener on the other side? Probably not.

When I realized this, is when I felt like I began to mature greatly in the relationship aspects. I would make gains, then fall back at times just being a dumb boy. Temptation can be a rough thing when you're young. I think to myself, what do I really want from a partner? That's a tough question to answer. I have things I really like, things that attract me, but I'm not exactly sure. All I can speak of are things that have made me happy in the past, but sadly, not every person is the same. I am not in-love at the moment and I can't judge purely on what made me happy in the past. I may meet a person who I truly connect with, but was nothing like the person who made me happy before. I realize that you can't really control the ways your life goes. It's not really up to us, even as much as we try.

My opinion about love is this: It does exist, I know this. In respect to emotional love, I feel like there truly are soulmates. God predestines those we are to love. Our soul is not complete without another to join with. I remember watching "The Royal Wedding" and feeling that the ceremony was something that was sacred. The idea of divorce really does frighten me. I've seen so many of my friend's parents getting divorces and that idea gives me nightmares. Some divorces are because of infidelity and I consider "could that be me? Would I cheat after taking a vow like that? Wouldn't I be doing something that God condemned?" Think about it. You take this promise with another person, sometimes it is later in life after things had not worked out with the one you really love, but the promise is done in-front of many, so it is to be held accountable. We do the ceremony in a church, as a covenant with God. A promise you make before your entire family, before God. Who am I to break that? Yet, almost half of marriages end in divorce? Are they quitters or is it just man's folly to have the urge for more than just one woman. When I think of infidelity, it's not simply because the man does not love his wife anymore, he just became momentarily bored, being sexually, or psychologically. I don't think it's because he does not love his partner less, it's simply a misjudgment. I am not making excuses, I just feel like that's the reasoning behind it. I pray this doesn't happen to me.

When I think of my past relationships as well as the mistakes I've made, I ask myself "Can I love someone? Truly?" A tough question because I don't think it's happened to me fully, yet. Plenty of times I have liked someone, but have just not felt the entire connection to follow through. I run, I back out, and possibly come back to it later on, when I'm more ready for something like that. Not always a good idea, but that's fate. I hope I am, but I think for everyone at my age, I can just go with life and see what happens on this front. I'm confident it'll happen, just not exactly sure when. I'm not in a hurry, but I definitely become curious at times.

I know I'm attracted to women who are intelligent, unpredictable, and those who keep me on edge, yet comfortably. A girl who is strong in her own ways and will pick me up where I may fail. That's really all I can say, because I don't want to categorize a person I would potentially love only because I do not know what will happen in the future. I feel like that's the best way to approach this. Accept people for who they are, and if I feel the connection, just go with it, no worries. I suppose, let's just see what happens.

You go from different stages of maturity in life. There was a time where I realized exactly what any woman wanted to hear and I would easily attain their affection. Some call it "game." It really is a game, but you don't really win. No one wins that way. You get the affection, but under a false pretense. The reason being because you have to become almost sociopathic and change your true character to win the affection. Soon, that lie becomes apparent and you begin to look foolish, or you leave before this happens, and you try to make them the fool, but truly you are the "jerk." It's a fun game to play when you're young, but it gets old. False emotions are just that, false. Your heart does not grow, your soul just slaps you in the face and it's not exactly something I want in my life.

Hmm, I guess let's just see what happens. I'm content with my current plight, and I am assured this will come along. 21 isn't old and I'm in no rush for anything at the moment. Let's just see.

1 comment:

  1. You were definitely not joking when you told me about this! I'm glad to know someone who actually uses their words and expresses their thoughts in an eloquent form while abstaining from the use of 'lolz' and 'lmao' and other such nonsense :)